FOREWORD: Once upon a time, a king called for all Knights Errant to rescue his beloved daughter. Bob, one Knight Errant, ignored this plea and instead of wasting his life trying to fit in with royal life and a petty princess-wife, he spotted a likely tavern maid and married her instead. They lived happily ever after and never even dreamed of fighting dragons or getting burnt to a crisp.
Rule Number One: Unless there are no maidens around—really stop and check again, this is the difference between you living a happy life, and probably getting incinerated by a ferocious creature—don’t be the hero. Let someone else stupider than you (yes, that might be a difficult thing to find) go first. They’ll test the grounds and figure out how terrible a dragon is protecting the wayward princess. If you can’t avoid going first, or you just really have a death wish, read this guide.
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Once upon a time, there was a princess trapped by an evil dragon. How did she get there? Probably by being stupid and naive—everyone knows to stay away from dragons but clearly she did not. This princess pined for a brave, young knight to someday rescue her—again, this shows her stupidity, as she should be plotting a way to escape rather than submissively cowering in a tower. One day, as the princess lay sleeping, a Knight Errant slipped in through the tower window, having crept past the fire-breathing misunderstood monster below. He knelt by her bed; he caressed her hand; the princess woke and smiled; they leaned in for a kiss…and the Knight Errant was engulfed by flames. The dragon leered at the burnt corpse from the window and maliciously winked at the surprised princess, who gaped at the charred lump of human flesh next to her bedside.
Rule Number Two: Do not kiss the girl. If you’re going to kiss the girl, make sure you do it in a safe environment and it is consensual. Just waking a touch-starved young lady from her sleep and leaning over for a kiss is manipulative. Take note.
Once upon a time, the widowed King of a once-prosperous village went around to all the Knights Errant of his town, begging them to find his kidnapped daughter and slay the beast which had taken her. This begging all by itself should have been reason enough for some enemy to perform a coup and take the throne, leaving the dethroned-King and his daughter to be eaten up by old age, or by the dragon—but no! A group of five brave, bold Knights Errant leaped upon their steeds and charged valiantly towards the ruined castle keep, where the dragon slept atop his mountains of gold. The horses’ hooves pounded tirelessly up to the clawed, termite-infested gates of the keep. The Knights Errant laughed and joked about the laziness of the beast—it must still be sleeping! An easy kill! Their laughs were cut short by a tail as thick as a poplar and as swift as a rushing stream. Poison spray left them writhing on the ground in abject misery, until finally their heads were bitten off, one by one. The dragon shrieked his victory to the skies. Somewhere in the towers, the princess sighed heavily.
Rule Number Three: Dragons have very keen hearing, and if anyone is to act cocky while on a mission to slay a primordial, flying reptile, it is not the Knights Errant.
Once upon a time, a group of Knights Errant came quietly to the ruined castle keep, where the dragon slept atop his mountains of gold. They silently monitored the grounds, keeping a close eye out for any suspicious movements, until the five of them found the dragon…and all the gold. The Knights Errant could not believe their eyes. Not because of the massive, sparkling, magnificent beast in front of them but because of the sheer amount of gold and jewels, which were scattered haphazardly on the ground in glittering piles. One Knight bent over to pick up a single gold coin; he smiled, looked up, and came eye-to-eye with an evil, angry slit of an iris. Rows of teeth below it made the coin slip from his grubby, shaking fingers; the precious metal clinked back to its home amid the screams of all the Knights Errant. The gold, bathed in sticky blood, seemed even more iridescent.
Rule Number Four: Ignore the gold. Dragons are emotionally connected to their treasure (not factually supported) and they know when someone is touching the gold that should not be touching the gold. Better yet, attack the dragon when it is away from its hoard.
Once upon a time, a brave, strong Knight Errant went to rescue the naive princess from her lofty tower. He ignored the gold where the dragon lay and, using his wits and an old pulley system, bound the dragon in chains. Where had the pulley system come from? Well that’s not important—this is a fable. The Knight Errant then progressed towards his prize, rescued the princess, and prepared to leave the castle when the princess saw the chained beast. She cried in surprise and fear. The dragon, enraged, snapped the remaining chains around his maw (he had already snapped the ones binding his legs) and engulfed them both in a blaze of white fire.
Rule Number Five: Don’t chain the dragon, then leave it for later. It will either (a) surprise the princess and break free, (b) break free after a little while (even if it has not seen you escaping) then come for your head, or (c) cause the princess to try to free the dragon, depending on how well she cares for animals. As everyone should know despite the allegory just given, the most likely option is c: princesses have this strange, innate urge to pet things, regardless of how big or scary or full of teeth the creature is. To them, all creatures are weird-looking dogs.
Once upon a time, a Knight Errant journeyed past the ruins of an ancient castle. He turned his head towards the wind, allowing his blonde locks to flutter behind him and with all the regalia of someone who is too wrapped up in themselves, he smiled. A maiden’s cry distracted him from himself. He turned to look towards the somehow-still-standing tower in the middle of the ruins, then he saw a young woman leaning out of the window beckoning him. The Knight Errant would have shrugged and walked away…had the princess’s hair not been so magnificent! It caught the sunlight and flew like gold strands in the sky. He must marry that girl, for certainly two such people with beautiful hair must have a beautifully-haired boy! The Knight Errant urged his horse towards the ruins. He climbed up the tower with little to impede his progress, and reached the top to stand in front of one of the most gorgeous women he had ever seen. Suddenly, the princess smiled at him—her teeth were broken to sharp points. The Knight Errant barely had time to scream before she ripped his throat out.
Rule Number Six: Sometimes the creature you have to fear isn’t the reptile with big teeth and a tendency to light things on fire; sometimes the creature you have to fear is the cannibalistic, twisted-from-being-alone princess who just wants a good, semi-warm meal. There probably won’t even be a dragon guarding this type of princess—it probably realized it wasn’t safe when it woke one morning to find the princess trying to cook its tail.
Once upon a time, a Knight Errant killed the dragon and started to head up the tower to find his one true love—the love he had fought so hard to acquire! He opened the heavy, oaken door and came face to face with a spiraling staircase…and spider webs. Many, many spider webs. So many spider webs that in fact, the Knight Errant couldn’t see more than a few feet forward. His blood ran cold; but he steeled himself. No sooner had he taken a single step into the sticky layers of string, a spider landed on his shoulder, bit him, and he died from the poison.
Rule Number Seven: If you have arachnophobia, bring bug spray. Did you really expect a RUINED CASTLE would be free of spiders and insects? Haha – moron. There are probably more termites burrowed into the rotting wood doors than gold in the dragon’s hoard.
Once upon a time, a princess was trapped in a tower, guarded by a dragon. A bold Knight Errant fought the dragon and after a long, arduous battle, he came out victorious. The dragon was slain! He hurried up the spider-infested tower while spraying MedievalBigBugMasher™ and found his to-be-wife…sobbing uncontrollably on the floor? The Knight Errant gently got her to her feet and they descended the tower while she wept. They had just entered the room where the dragon lay, in a pool of sizzling blood and scales, when the princess released a pained shriek and ran to the fallen reptile. She refused to leave the dragon’s side and it was then that the Knight Errant realized how much she had loved that dragon. He wisely foretold many therapy bills to deal with his wife’s PTSD and depression.
Rule Number Eight: Is it really necessary to kill the dragon? Sure, sure, it might be trying to kill you, but can’t you use your words? Maybe come to an understanding? Hey, all three of you could probably live comfortably together at the castle and the dragon would just fry all the enemies who tried to attack. It’s a win-win, isn’t it? If you really just hate reptiles, though, and you kill the dragon, you’re a cold-hearted person and shouldn’t be allowed to marry anyone in the first place. Also, it is important to remember an aforementioned point here: princesses have a strange, innate urge to pet things, regardless of how big or scary or full of teeth the creature is! This means therapist bills and bloodletting later. Plan accordingly.
Once upon a time, a verbos Knight Errant proclaimed to all the King’s courts that he, and he alone would rescue the princess and bring her back safe to marry her. While wearing heavy, shiny metal armor, he leaped upon his white stallion and the horse buckled beneath him and fell down dead. This didn’t faze the Knight Errant and he took the nearest pack mule, then set off for the dragon’s lair! He, using his wits and meager brain-power, tunneled beneath the dragon’s horde of gold, then up into the tower where the princess awaited her savior. The Knight Errant slashed the webs and nests of spiders until finally, he reached the prize. He removed his helmet, his gauntlets, setting them on the floor with a gentle clank; he gently took the sleeping princess’s fair hand and as her eyes fluttered open he…launched into a speech?
“My dearest, fairest princess, it is I, your rescuer – I have vanquished the foul beast below and braved the most terrible of ilk to kneel by your side at this moment. I now entreat thee, my maiden, my wife, to kiss me, to cherish me, to stand with me – for this love I feel for you, you surely must feel for me! Surely such love in my heart, that has fed me night and day until this wondrous moment, that has steeled my arm as I stabbed the dragon through its fiery breast, that has strengthened my feet as they trod over rivers, stones, gold, and spiders – surely this love is ordained by the very gods we worship! I beg of you, my dear, my wife, to rise now, to throw yourself about me as we journey through the trials and tribulations of life; to kneel before me and entrust your heart, your soul, your very being to my steady arms. For it is I, the bravest, strongest Knight Errant that has come to save you! And I am here, now – you are safe from any and all danger.”
The princess blinked once, then twice. She probably forced a yawn back, which I can’t blame her for – she’s been waiting how many years to get rescued, and she gets this dweeb? She started to open her mouth to speak, when the Knight Errant beat her to it.
“And, oh! What joys you—I—will find as we battle our way through the thickets and brambles of royal life! What joys we shall create! Do you not wish for it, as much as I? Do you not want little children of your own, to love and to teach? Come with me, my dear, fair princess – I will show you the utmost love a man can give!”
The princess frowned, paused, then glanced behind the Knight Errant’s shoulder and smirked. The Knight Errant raised a questioning eyebrow, then turned to look…just as two rows of needle-like teeth snapped his neck.
The princess slid away from the spray of blood, then said in a bland voice, “I’m gay.”
Rule Number Nine: Don’t monologue. It doesn’t help anyone. Also, if you’re going to lie about killing the dragon, then lie about it when you’re not near it. Dragons have exceptional hearing, remember? This means it will hear any lies and lies make dragons even more angry than being ignored. Furthermore, why assume the princess wants a guy to save her in the first place? She might want something else entirely, or she could even be ace! This, knights and maidens, is why you must study your potential partners before engaging.
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AFTERWORD: Once upon a time, a callous Knight Errant bought this guide, read through it once for giggles, then tore off the cover and ripped the pages to shreds. He was later made into barbecue by a fearsome reptile, who just so happened to have Spicy-Barbeque-Breath™. His pitiable death may have been prevented, if only he had followed the rules in this book. He might not have been eaten – but to be fair, the dragon was a good cook. He smelled delicious afterwards.
Word Technician 